What "I'm Done" Means


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Thursday, May 11, 2017

Yesterday I heard myself say the words "I'm done," in reference to something I have loved for years. A part of my work. I spent the rest of the evening pondering what I meant.

There is a reason. When I say "I'm done," I usually mean it. And in a big way.

In the summer of 2010, I had kind of a blow-out with a person who was good friend at the time. If you have ever read the Harry Potter books - or even if you haven't - you might be familiar with the concept of a wizard duel. To me, it's a sort of epic fight. It's at the soul level. It's fundamental.

After that "duel" in 2010, I knew I was done with that person. It was kind of a bummer, because it was a path that had had a lot of resonance for a while. It had helped me evolve. Yet I could not see where there was a path forward with that person.

Some things burn themselves out - and lead to renewal. Like a phoenix, or a wildfire in a healthy forest. But some things burn themselves completely out. In an unhealthy forest with heavy fuel build-up - or sometimes just a super hot fire - you can have a stand-replacing fire. Like - the forest that was there before won't come back. Even the seeds are burned. Perhaps the soil.

Something else entirely will fill that space.

I've had blow-outs with friends before. There are only a couple of instances where I've said I was done before. One was working for the US government. That was a big day, after 16 years of service.

One time I was done, it was a college friend. Two were high school friends. This winter, I had that moment with a person close to me, and am still trying to figure out what to do with that one. When I am done, my whole body is completely maxed out. My mind. My soul. Whatever was - is not going to continue in any way that resembles what was there before.

Yesterday I was talking about something I love, and that has been a part of me for years. Something that is a part of me. And I said I was done with it.

What I felt...

Well, I felt relief. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes. Some things we love, and we try to keep them in our lives. I have been trying to. But it has been a struggle. I have been trying to fit this thing that maybe doesn't fit what I'm trying to do now. It is a stretch. It makes my brain try to do contortions.

Leaving it is a relief. Walking away from it is easier than hanging on. Yet I don't have to walk anywhere - I left long ago.

What it means is that I do some editing. I fix up my website to more closely align with work that I am currently doing. I hone in on my actual mission. I increase my focus. I stop trying to be more than what I want to be.

Hopefully this also means I get to add more to my burn pile. 

:)

One thing at a time...

 

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